by - 0 comments

Burdens and Blessings

Today I realized yet again how important my job as a teacher is. Three students showed their trust in me by sharing their precious secrets, fears, and interests. Each of these children came to me and shared in their own special ways that I treasure.

The First Student
One of my students opened up to me about a traumatic experience that she had. She and her mother were driving when a person on a small moped lost control of it and swerved in front of their car. She watched this person hit the windshield right in front of her and roll off the front of the car. Unfortunately, her mother was not able to stop in time. The person died.

This little girl was non-functioning. She was walking around, completely numb. When I asked her if she was okay, she burst into tears. She told me that she couldn’t stop thinking about it, that it kept replaying over and over in her head. Through her sobs, she kept on saying, “But Miss, he was wearing a helmet; he was wearing a helmet.” My heart is breaking for her right now. I can’t even imagine what she is going through. This is a child that I am sending my heart out to. I feel powerless, but I did every thing I knew to do in order to help her.

The Second Student
My second student is a stoic sophomore who has seen it all and is tougher than everything, just ask him. He is struggling in my class, as well as his others. It is not because he isn’t capable of doing the work– something he readily admits; he just doesn’t care (his words, not mine). He says to me that he heard that junior year is the hardest year of high school. As we talked about his future he revealed that he used to be on the honor roll, a straight A student.

I asked him if he knew why he changed. He said he knew exactly what the problem was. He got mixed with the wrong crowd and started doing things he should not do. Now he is stuck in the culture and is trying to get out of it. His parents know of this and are doing everything that they can to help him. His eyes welled with tears as he talked to me about how he knows he needs to get out of it and that it is so hard, but he is trying. He opened up to me about this, allowing his vulnerability to show. I know that it was so hard for him to share this with me. I was honored to know that he felt safe and secure enough to seek my encouragement/advice about it. I told him so.

The Third Student
This story is completely different from my other ones. I have a student who is on the spectrum and struggles sometimes in class. He is brilliant but socially awkward. Well, when I think of it, what freshman isn’t a little socially awkward? This young man has two things that he fixates on: reading (it soothes him when he needs it) and movies. You tie those two things together and he is in heaven.

Through the year, we have been working very hard to build a relationship. Today, I realize that we made it. He came up to me, out of breath, asking me if I’ve ever read The Great Gatsby. When I answered in the affirmative, he started gushing about the fact that they are making a movie of it, directed by Baz Luhrman (the same one who did Romeo and Juliet with Leo DiCaprio and Claire Danes). This was IMPORTANT to him. He shared it with me throughout the hour (even when he was supposed to be working on his assignments). I just let him, happy in the fact that he was sharing something with me that he valued. Plus, I can’t wait to see the movie. His enthusiasm has got me interested.

The Gift of a Teacher
The gift of touching so many young lives can be overwhelming. Knowing that I was a safe place for these young adults to come and share really means something to me. It also has left me emotionally drained and torn up inside. My heart aches for the first two. Actually, aches is not even a strong enough word. I am heartsick. When I think of the trauma and struggles that they have gone through already at such a young age… I don’t even have words. However, I know that this will help them to become even stronger adults. Knowing that I had a part in comforting them makes me feel like I am answering a higher calling, that my purpose in life is beyond my comprehension. It is both a burden and a blessing. I wouldn’t have it any other way.

by - 1 Comment

On Friends and Books

One of my cherished friends gave me a book yesterday. To me, the gift of a book is one of the most caring of all. It requires knowledge of the person you are giving it to. After all, you don’t want to give them something that they would not be interested in. Giving a book is showing someone that you know them and care for them.

My friend knows me. She accepts me for who I am– my good days, my cranky days, my ocd days. It is so nice to not feel judged and not feel the need to conform to what I think she wants me to be. She is my OCD checker, my enthusiastic encourager, my positive sympathizer. She lives life large and has taught me that it is useless trying to be anyone but yourself. I’m still learning that one!

The book that she gave me is called cold tangerines by Shauna Niequist. I started reading it yesterday and got through the first essay called “on waiting.” I could have written it. Okay, maybe not exactly the way she did, but still. She talks about the movies that have the “Big Moment”. You know, the moment when everything comes together and changes the characters’ lives forever. Niequist writes, “I cry and cry at these movies, because I am still waiting for my own big moment. I had visions of life as an adventure, a thing to be celebrated and experienced, but all I was doing was going to work and coming home, and that wasn’t what it looked like in the movies” (p. 16). It hit me that this is how I’ve seen life and I’ve felt a little bit like a failure because my life was not “interesting” enough to matter.

Well, to that I say HA! I am going to take my little moments that make up my life and use them to have the best life I can. My life is not boring. It is my life and I enjoy it, for the most part. Thank you, my friend, for giving this book to me. I can’t wait to see what other insights I glean from reading it.

by - 0 comments

Reasons for Tattoos

Today I am suffering a little bit from misanthropy. Maybe it is the fact that I am getting a little bit tired of having so many people around. Maybe I am just cranky. Who knows, but it is what it is.

Knowing this, I went to the grocery store at a time when I thought it would be less populated in order to pick up some corned beef. I was wrong. There were so many people there it was overwhelming. After being crushed, rushed, and cut off, I decided that there was not enough yumminess in corned beef to deal with it. I left empty handed.

On the way home, I texted my husband about my frustration and made an offhand comment about wanting another tattoo. His response was one of incredulity. “You mean, you want to get a tattoo because the people in Fry’s pissed you off?” It made me laugh– which helped to alleviate some of my frustration. Not enough to send me back in to the store to get corned beef, but still lifted my spirits.

Then I got to thinking about all of the reasons people have when they get a tattoo. Some do it out of boredom. Some out of a need for the rush from the pain. Others do it because they are highly intoxicated. This, of course, led me to introspection. I got my first tattoo to celebrate my anniversary and the great things that had come to my life. My second one was to remind me to keep faith and to try not to harm others with my behavior. Finally, my last one was a present to my hubby– the man who makes my life livable. I can tell the story behind each of my tattoos.

The story behind each one is essential. I just keep thinking, though, that it would be amusing to say to someone: “Well, I got it because I hated people that day.” It would be interesting to see the looks on their faces!

by - 0 comments

Life Interferes Again

Is blogging to yourself the same thing as talking to yourself? It makes me wonder sometimes. Anyway, I am back again. I know that all of my followers (ha ha) have missed me while I was gone. A little bit to catch up on what has been going on:

  • My darling daughter’s broken leg healed perfectly. She didn’t need any physical therapy or anything like that. Yay! I didn’t realize how expensive a broken leg is, though. We are still trying to get out of that hole. It is going well, though. 🙂
  • I never did finish Moby Dick. I decided that life was waaaaaay too short to read a book that bored me to tears.
  • I took a class about technology standards in education by the AZ Department of Education. It was lots of work but massive amounts of fun. Plus, I learned so much. I was complimented when the facilitator recommended me to facilitate one of the next waves of courses. Unfortunately, I was unable to apply for it. Too bad, though. It would have been fun!

    That is the catch up portion of today’s post. Now on to other things.

    Part of one of the classes that I am taking has to do with integrating blogging into my classroom. I think that it would be a really interesting thing to do, but I wonder if I would be able to keep up with it. I have to figure out a direction for this blog. I think that is one of the reasons why I have been deficient in posting.

    There are so many blogs that I have seen that I really, really like. I have discovered Neil Gaiman‘s blog and have thoroughly loved reading his words. Of course, I couldn’t read his blog without reading his lovely wife Amanda Palmer‘s blog. Who would have thought that one of my favorite living authors would marry one of my favorite punk cabaret musicians? Crazy awesome.

    The point is, every quality blog that I read seems to have a point to it. It’s not just a bunch random chattiness. So, my next goal is to find a focus. Ooh! Maybe my focus will be random chattiness. It might suit me perfectly.

    by - 1 Comment

    Chasing the Whale

    The Great Whale

    I suppose every literate person at one point in time decides that he or she should read the wonderous tale of great Captain Ahab. Well, this winter break, I have decided that it is my goal to finish Moby Dick.

    I have made it farther than I ever thought possible. I made it through the chapters about cetology and learned more about the whale than I ever wanted to know. I do have to admit, however, that I did skim it a bit. Does that make me a bad person? I have to say, no. I have decided that it makes me an efficient reader. I made it through the chapter glorifying the color white, effectively ignoring the statement that all things white (including people) are superior to all things dark. I accepted that because of the historical time period in which the book was written.

    Now I am almost 300 pages in and I have hit a lull. There is a part of me that thinks I should just give up. The other part, however, says that I should soldier on. My fear is that I will become obsessed with finishing, much like Captain Ahab has done.

    On a lighter note, I do love me some Queequeg! There is something very inspiring about the pagan cannibal. He gives me joy. Maybe I will finish itjust to find out what happens to him.

    Wish me luck in my pursuit! Off I go to harpoon myself a book!

    by - 0 comments

    A Child’s Spirit

    

    Before the Cast

     Ah, the beautiful girl, waiting for her cast. I have learned so much from her, watching her deal with her brokenness. If it were me, I would be pouty and depressed.

    Her spirit has been so full of love and light. The only time when she has expressed frustration is when when she said to me, “Mama, I want to be able to play tickle and run again.” Then she cuddled up to me and put her head on my shoulder. I just held her until she got over it. Other than that, she hasn’t shown any indication of discomfort or sorrow.

    Princess Pink Bound

    Now she is able to walk sometimes on her casted leg, as long as she uses her boot. Boy can this girl get around like a pro! Her problem solving skills are amazing to behold.  She figured out how to crawl off of her bed, drop onto her bottom, and scootch along the floor. The girl can pretty much go anywhere she wants now.

    The first time that she did it was a shock to me. It was in the morning before work. I was in the shower, well, showering. I heard this knock on the door. As far as I knew, I was the only person in the house that was awake and she couldn’t get out of bed. I felt a whole bunch of panic, thinking that someone was sitting there, ready to rob me or something worse.

    “Nutter-butter?” I said, hoping for a response, but none came, other than just another knock on the door. “Butter-boo, is that you?” Still no answer, just a knock. A little bit more panic came over me. Holy crap! Someone was going to kill me! I know, totally irrational. If someone was going to kill me, they sure wouldn’t knock. It was early, though, and I wasn’t quite awake.

    I hurried and got out of the shower, trying to think positive thoughts about what was going on outside my bathroom door. When I finally wrapped the towel around myself and opened the door, there was my daughter with a HUGE grin on her face. “Mama, I figured out how to get out!” she said proudly.

    I never thought your love for a person could grow exponentially every single day. My daughter amazes me.

    by - 0 comments

    Of NaNoWriMo, Princess Pink, and Other Things

    I know it has been a while since I have written. It has been very busy for me lately.

    NaNoWriMo went much better than I thought it would. I was able to write 37,000 words and really enjoyed doing it. I had a few days of complete blockage, but I was able to work through it. I also had a couple of people read parts of  my novel and I think I have a good start! With six days left and a plan to get the 13,000 words written, I was fully ready to complete the first draft and “win.” Unfortunately, the day before Thanksgiving, my dear daughter fell off a purple dinosaur and broke her leg.

    Yes, you read it here. A purple dinosaur broke my daughter’s leg. Well, technically it wasn’t the dinosaur’s fault, but it was a huge player in the catastrophe.

    I thought I knew what it meant to have your heart hurt until you thought it would burst and you would die from it. I was wrong. Watching my daughter deal with the pain of a fractured tibia was the worst heart-pain I have ever experienced in my life. I do believe that I cried as much as she did when I had to help her stretch her leg out so that they could get the xrays.

    After the trip to urgent care proved the necessity of a trip to the emergency room, we loaded my poor girl back up into the car and drove to the Cardon Children’s Medical Center. They got us in quickly and made sure that our daughter was well taken care of. We even got a visit from one of the therapy dogs, though I believe it was more for me than for my daughter.

    The fractured tibia required a splint for a week. I took three days off of work. Thankfully my wonderful mother and father-in-law drove up to take care of her for two of the days. I am so thankful for their help! Because of them, I was able to get what I needed done at work. My girl did a fabulous job with the pain of the broken leg and staying off of her splint. Finally, the day came when she had to go to the orthopedist. The doctor’s office was wonderful, too. Everyone was so friendly. They got us in quickly, got the xrays done (again) with no pain for my girl (thank goodness).

    I was not prepared for the casting process, however. Her fracture was slightly askew, so they had to realign her bones. I listened to her pain as they molded her cast to set her bone correctly. That was not fun at all, but at least it was not as bad as the day she broke her leg. Guess what color her cast was? If you said princess pink, you’re right!

    And let me tell you, my girl is amazing to me. She hasn’t let this broken leg get her down. She’s kept her sense of humor and truly loves all of the attention she receives from everyone around us. Now we are sitting with four more weeks of princess pink and a child who has shown me how to deal with discomfort with a happy heart.

    by - 0 comments

    Fascination with Bathrooms, part two

    I figured that I would use a post to put the pictures from the men’s bathroom. I made my hubby send them to me so I could post them. 🙂 I love the “naked” woman picture. My hubby loves me so much, thank goodness, and doesn’t mind chasing my whimsy.

    by - 0 comments

    NaNoWriMo, Here I Come!

    Oh yeah… I’ve signed up. Hopefully my hubby will have a good heart and let me write. Maybe I’ll even get some of my friends to join me! 🙂 That’d be wicked rad.

    If this doesn’t get me writing….