Home Again, Home Again, Jiggety-Jig

For the first time in a few months, I woke up this weekend with joy in my heart. As you know, I’ve had some issues with my brain. I felt completely out of control of my life and it was affecting me horribly. I finally realized one of the reasons why I was so unhappy; I had no contact with kids. I need to be around their energy and excitement. I need to share in their celebrations and support them when they need help. I needed to be a teacher again.

I decided about three weeks ago that I couldn’t continue living the way I was. I pulled myself out of my stupor and became proactive. I put it out to the universe that I needed a new job. Then I got to work.

I reached out to my bookface friends and asked if anyone knew of positions opening up. I got a couple of suggestions and I ran with them. One of them was for the district that I started out with. I loved working for that district. The only reason why I left is because my dearest darling daughter was born and I didn’t want to have to drive thirty minutes to get her if she was ill. It was the correct choice to make at the time.

I got on ye olde interwebz to apply and, lo and behold, found out that the head of human resources was my former principal. Not only did I get help from my friends, but my contact for a position was someone who knows me and knows what I can do in a classroom. Plus, they had a position open! I sent him my resume and talks commenced. The position was for high school English, but required a reading endorsement, so I wasn’t qualified for it. My former principal told me that he’d continue working on finding a job for me.

Let me tell you, it dropped my spirits. But hey, it was the first place I’d tried and I knew the universe would catch me. It always has.

I started filling out applications for all the districts, even ones that I wasn’t sure I wanted to work for. I just needed out of my current position. I finished filling out all but one of my applications on Monday of last week and headed off to work. On my way there, I got a phone call asking me how soon I could start (if I made it through the interview, of course).

I interviewed and got the job. I am going to be back in the classroom teaching 8th grade language arts in my old district. My favorite level to teach is middle school. I get to work with one of my former students who teaches math. I get to join a family who has already stretched their arms out to embrace me.

I feel like I am going home again.


Say it out loud

Stop Motion Existence

I posted a couple of days ago about participating in NaNoWriMo. I am stuck and I don’t know what to do. It is ONLY day 2. DAY 2!

I spent most of yesterday avoiding writing. Every time I sat down, I would think of a thousand other things that I could be doing that I would enjoy more. Usually I wake up early, spring from my bed, and race to my laptop, ready to unleash the beautiful words that have been dancing around in my brain. My fingers rush on the keyboard, trying to keep up with my brain, sometimes just typing phrases and dependent clauses that I will go back and flesh out.

Yesterday, my novel didn’t want to come out. Heck, I don’t even know if I have one in there. I am so disconnected from myself right now. It is not really a comfortable place for me. I feel like one of those characters in a stop animation video, each movement jerky and planned out by someone else. I have no control.

 

 Stop-motion lego

 

It scares me because it seems to be getting worse each year. I know that I should go back to the doctor and get my meds checked and rechecked and then checked again. In order to do that, I have to have a job that allows me to take the time I need to do all the things I need to do. Unfortunately, I don’t have one, and that makes me sad.

My hours are set, which doesn’t really bother me, but they are from 9-6. With no flexibility. That means I have to take time off (in 4 hour blocks) in order to go to any appointments. I don’t have the time off to do so. I know that getting to the right balance of medicine is going to take a while. Any doctor’s appointment that I get will take 2-3 hours (time with doctor: 15 minutes or so). I can’t really take that much time every four to six weeks until things are balanced.

The first time, it took about a year and a half to find the right balance. I’m terrified that it will take longer this time.

I know I need to get another job. I want to go back into the classroom. I can’t believe I am saying this, but I really miss the interaction with the kids. I miss their smiling and sad and cranky and lost and hopeful faces. I miss interaction with them. I miss making a difference in their lives. I miss creating relationships with them and letting them know that I am proud of them and have faith in them. I miss them. I need to be with kids. I feel lost without them.

I’ve already started the process of finding another job, but, once again, the inflexibility of my current job paralyzes me. The idea of getting the time off for interviews and whatnot shuts me down and puts me in protective mode. I don’t want to deal with the confrontation and the lying by omission. I know it is necessary, but it makes me feel inauthentic. I hate feeling like a liar, liar, pants on fire.

For now, I’ll continue my stop motion existence, moving forward, pushed by forces that I feel I can’t control. Rest assured that I am trying to break away and regain some control. I just have to remember how.