Who, Me?

Condensed version:

mother, wife, teacher, technophile, sometimes blogger, always learning, loving life, staying positive (or at least trying to), occasionally interesting, slightly unpredictable

Longer version:

Huh. Well. I am a proud mom of a beautiful girl. She’s amazing, but I try hard not to gush too much about her. I am happily married to a fabulous man who spoils me rotten and not only lets me be myself, but also loves me for my craziness… er, I mean, quirkiness. I teach ninth grade English, currently. However, I am thinking that I may need a career change. Pretty sure of that, actually. Either that or the educational system needs to change. Too much is being done that doesn’t support student learning. I just can’t stand by that anymore and, well, I’m getting tired of fighting it. It will be interested in what the future brings.

I am currently working on my M.A. in English because I, apparently, have lost my mind. (More on this later.) My emphasis will be on writing, but it still is a rather silly thing to get your MA in. I wish I could do business or something practical like that, but my heart would not be happy. I tried going the logical way (Masters in Education) but I was miserable. Happiness is better than logic. At least that is what I keep telling myself.

My life is chaotic for many reasons. First… well, I am a mom, a wife, a teacher, a daughter, a sister, and all of the other things that people do. On top of all that, I have been diagnosed (I hate that word) with OCD, depression, and an anxiety disorder. Either that or I am bipolar. Too bad there isn’t a test you can take to figure it out. I think the reason why there isn’t one is because we were taught to never stick things in our ears. It is kind of an interesting roller coaster. Before I started my medicine, I never knew who I was going to be that day. The medicine really helps, though sometimes my crazy overwhelms the chemicals. I know my husband is happy that the roller coaster is a little more smooth now.

The medicine that I take for my OCD sometimes depresses me. The medicine I take for my depression sometimes makes me anxious. The medicine that I take for my anxiety sometimes makes me manic. Sometimes I just need to go sit in my shower with the water running in the pitch black to feel better. For the longest time, I thought that the way I felt was normal, that everyone felt the same. Then, it started getting worse. It took a bit for me to realize that it wasn’t typical and I began my search for something that would fix it. It has been a long process, but I think (I hope) that we’ve found a good balance.

I’m not telling you this so you feel sorry for me or anything like that. Thanks to people like The Bloggess who fight against the stigma of mental illness, I am brave enough to tell people. For the longest time, I felt like a failure because my brain wasn’t like everyone else’s. It shamed me to think that I was so horrible that I couldn’t even control my brain. It took many months of support and persuasion by my husband to continue taking my medicine. Thank goodness I did. I know now what a “normal” person feels like and I don’t ever want to go back.

Blogging is kind of funny for me because I freak out right before I push the publish button. I mean, what if it stinks? What if nobody cares? It’s really helping me make myself put myself out there. It is good for me to open myself up this way. I have met so many supportive people blogging. So remember, my blogging friends, ya’ll are part of my free therapy.

~E~

p.s. For a great post by The Bloggess about her battles with depression and anxiety disorder, click here. Also, if you ever want to get me a gift: Silver Ribbon Necklace.

p.p.s. If I disappear every once in a while– I am still alive. Sometimes I just need a break from everyone for my brain to settle down.