TLDR: I describe my experience volunteering for a theater company for adults with disabilities and the growth that I’m going through.

I’ve been volunteering as a coach with a theater company for adults with disabilities who love being on stage and want to explore, collaborate, and perform. It is a fabulous group of wonderful people. It is a loud group just like any group of actors together would be. I committed to one night a week for a two hour rehearsal and then to helping with the performances.

We are performing The Addams Family musical, and it has been double cast to give more people the opportunity to have main parts. For those who don’t know, that means that the performances are split up with one group of actors playing the Addams and Beineke families for two shows and another group for the other two shows. When they aren’t playing the main characters, they are part of the chorus/ancestors. I love the fact that so many people get the opportunity to play leads. After all, isn’t that what all actors want? To be able to share their interpretation of a character?

When I volunteered, I had a couple of choices: to be a “care counselor” who would help give actors a safe place if they were feeling overwhelmed or to help a blind actor when she needs it, including helping her learn the choreography. I haven’t been on the stage in over 30 years, but I love singing and dancing, so I figured I would do the latter.

So far, it has been very fulfilling. Since leaving the classroom, I’ve really missed interacting with other people, learning about them, and working together to create something. When I’m at rehearsal, I can immerse myself in a world of theater that I never really thought I would ever be a part of again. I get to be with people who find joy in performance. Many of the people in this theater company have been in it for years. They know each other and are so welcoming. It has been very different from my other theater experiences.

One unexpected thing has happened, though. My anxiety skyrockets right before I go to rehearsal. Some days I have to force myself out of the house, leaving two or three hours before rehearsal starts, and then stop at a coffee shop to write or do something. I know that, if I wait until right before I have to leave, I will find an excuse to stay home.

I love the actor who I work with (I’m going to call her J). J is playing Alice Beineke, so she is part of the double casting, meaning that I have to learn how to help her when she needs it for both a lead character and a part of the chorus. It is so much fun getting to know her. J is funny and very talented. Her singing voice is amazing, and she leans into everything with all her might. She finally got her script last night (they had to get it transcribed into braille) and watching her do a dry read with so much emotion and character already was, honestly, awe inspiring. I haven’t ever been able to pull off something like that.

I’ve only ever been a part of the chorus when I was in theater in high school. Well, except for my freshman year in high school when I played a detective (with lines!). All I remember from that experience is that I was supposed to get rough with the guy I was interrogating by grabbing his shirt and pulling him to me, and he smelled so good (either Polo or Drakkar Noir– yes, it was in the 80s). I don’t remember the performance, just the way he smelled. My theater career was one where I provided support for the leads.

Now, I was a teacher for so long that I am used to being the person in the room who knows (or at least knows where to find the answer). I am not used to not knowing what to do. In my personal life, I’ve pretty much stuck to doing things that I already know how to do or, if I am learning something new, not learning it in front of other people. This is a completely different experience. I know nothing– no songs, no choreography, NOTHING!

Here I was, trying to learn songs and choreo while simultaneously helping J learn songs and choreo. Have you every tried to explain how to do choreography to a blind person as you are trying to learn it yourself? Especially when you haven’t learned choreography for over 30 years? Holy moly! Trying to wrap my brain around how to find words to explain a box step or a certain hand motion or even where our focus is supposed to be on the stage is harder than I realized it would be. Sometimes I can’t even tell her left or right because my brain won’t give me the words to do so. She’s so patient with me as I learn everything.

Add building a relationship with J, her perfectionism, my perfectionism, and the chaos of 45(ish) people with varying needs in the room and… well, maybe that is the source of my anxiety about going to rehearsal. There is so much for me to process and so much that is unfamiliar. I want to do everything correctly perfectly, and I think I’ve been focusing on that instead of what really matters– the collaboration and creation of art and the formation of friendships with people who I might not have met if I hadn’t volunteered.

I know that everything is going to come together beautifully; it always does. I am so excited to be a part of this process. I’m learning so much about myself and working through things that I didn’t realize I still needed to work through.