Circular Reasoning

It has been a while since I’ve been around. It isn’t because I don’t have anything to say. I think it is because I have too much to say, and I am having problems sorting it all out in my head.

There is so much going on in the world and so much going on in my life right now. It’s really quite intense.

Then, of course, my brain gets irritated because I should write, but I don’t. My perfect-worm syndrome kicks in and causes me to

seize up. No words come out. They remain “safely” entrenched in my brain, unable to do any damage by not being the absolutely perfect words.

Stupid brain.

It hasn’t helped that I am so completely and totally exhausted. Depression is so annoying. When I am tired, I never know if it is because I’m actually TIRED or if my brain is swirling in a chemical bath of “meh.”

Then, of course, my anxiety kicks in. Oh no! What if I’m going back to the way I was? I can’t handle going through medication changes again. How do I know if I need to contact a doctor? Does my new insurance even cover this? 

Then my brain starts twitching. Seriously. I can feel it wiggling around up in my noggin. It’s definitely off-putting.

I often wonder what it’s like for people who don’t have depression and anxiety. What is it like to know that, if you’re tired, it’s because your tired? What is it like to not worry about whether or not you’re spiraling down simply because you want to sleep more? What is it like to not have to second guess everything that goes on in your brain?

Or  maybe everyone feels like this and I have a skewed view of the world because of my depression and anxiety.

Do people without depression and anxiety think of these things?

And the cycle continues.

seems legit

seems legit

 

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2013: Resolve to be Successful

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Thank you, Danielle, for the lovely introduction to our “Resolve to be Successful” project. Your generosity in letting me adapt your words to fit my blog made my day. Any mistakes you find are mine. =)

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2012 was a rough year – a bitter presidential election that divided the nation; financial calamities as the housing and job markets continued their rollercoaster rides; continued war and unrest abroad, especially in the Middle East, Africa and China; senseless losses of beautiful lives to the twin tragedies of gun violence and mental illness; an angry and petulant Mother Nature, unleashing Hurricane Sandy and Typhoon Bopha; the Costa Concordia accident. There was so much negativity. We hope to leave negativity behind as we look to 2013 for a fresh start.

Much like Danielle (ProfMomEsq), I don’t do New Year resolutions. I already put too much pressure on myself to be perfect. Making resolutions that I won’t follow through on usually triggers a grand old downward spiral. Since I try my darndest to avoid those, I resolved a long time ago to make no more resolutions.

This year is different. Danielle ran across an idea on Facebook that was just too good. She shared it  and I decided that I’d do it too.  Then we thought, what if everybody joined us? The thought was so tickling that it brought us to the idea to not only do the project, but to blog the results. There is something about being held “accountable” (for lack of a better word) to someone else. Knowing that someone else is expecting me to find the positive will make it much easier.

The concept is simple. Keep a jar some place handy. When a good thing happens in your life, write it down on a strip of paper, and put the paper in the jar. At the end of the year, take out all the papers and read them to remind yourself of the wonderful year you had.

Danielle and I have our jars ready. Here’s her jar:

ProfMomEsq's Jar of Success

Here is mine:

Elizabeth's Awesome Jar of Success

By year’s end, our jars will be filled with scraps of paper describing moments from 2013 truly worth remembering. On December 31, 2013, we will open our jars, read the scraps of paper and post the contents on our respective blogs. Then, we’ll get to spend the rest of our day reading through all the blogs of those who join us.

Yes, that’s right! We want you to post, too! Resolve To Be Successful by clicking the button below. Follow the directions to join the blog hop, then get yourself a “Jar of Success.” Any old jar will do; you can decorate it or not, make it big or keep it small, fill it yourself or have family and friends join you; you can even go high-tech and keep your “jar” in your iThingy. Just make sure your “jar” is always handy so you don’t forget any of your moments of joy, love, happiness and – above all – success.

Feel free to snag either of the badges to post on your blog to show the blogosphere that you are joining us. Please write a post about what you are doing and try to get as many people involved in the project. The more people we have participating, the more positivity  we will be spreading across the world. Maybe if we all focus on the good things, 2013 will be one of the best years ever.

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If you link up with us, post your jar’s contents before midnight on December 31, 2013 and spend a blissful day celebrating all the wonderful milestones that paved our way to 2014. And – HEY! – if you link up, you already have something to put in your jar: you wrote your last blog post for 2013 way ahead of schedule.

We look forward to seeing you and sharing in your success! Happy New Year!

Tentative Tiptoe into the Blogosphere

I’m BAAAAAAACK.

After a long absence from the blogosphere, I am returning. I hope. My classes for this semester are done and summer is approaching. I have missed writing very much.

There are many half completed posts that I plan on working on and posting. My blog will seem tangential, but at least I will be writing.

Wish me luck!

To post or not to post, that is the question

There is a fabulously written* post about my last visit to the doctor sitting in my draft folder, waiting to be let out and play with the other ones.

This blog post could make me a BLOGSTAR!!**

The big question is, why don’t I publish it? Why haven’t I pushed that button and let it roam free? Those are very good questions. Thanks for asking. Here is the conversation about this that I imagine we would have if we were sitting in the same room.

You: Why haven’t you published this stupendous blog post?

Me: The answer is simple, but complex. Paradoxical even.

You:  >.>  Huh?

Me: I don’t want to lose my job. I am an educator.

You:  <.<  Oh-kay? What does that have to do with anything?

Me: (entering justified– in my humble but accurate opinion– rant) Anything I post is subject to scrutiny. I can’t joke about how I wish sometimes that teenagers weren’t allowed outside or in public when I am around and especially after dark. If I talk about imbibing an alcoholic beverage or, goodness forbid, have a picture posted of me with said beverage, there is the possibility of administrative sanctions. Even though I am of legal age. Swearing in my blog? Heavens no! What if one of my students saw it and decided that it was appropriate? Please understand, though, that I am not one for swearing. However, an occasional swear provides emphasis. Sometimes I like to drop a curse. I have to watch what I write because I could get into trouble. If there is one thing that I hate more than anything else, it is getting into trouble! There are so many teachers out there who have been put on administrative leave or lost their jobs because of these innocent things. I don’t want to be one of them.

You: O.o

Me: Inorite?

Unless I want to blog anonymously (and seriously, don’t we blog to be famous??), I have to watch what I write. Will I get fired if I do any of the above things? Probably not. My district is a good one to work for; my principal is understanding. However, the risk is still there. Because social media is relatively new the rules in academia haven’t been determined. There is no standard that I can follow, no set guidelines to … um… guide me, and no way to know whether or not my post about waiting for my doctor can get me into trouble.

I guess that is one of the reasons why I don’t blog as consistently as I ought to. I have ideas jostling around in my head, fighting to get out, but I worry about what ramifications will occur if I post them. Every post is an act of self-censorship and it kind of makes me sad.

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*I know this because my mom told me it was fabulously written.

**application of @lucysfootball’s emphatic style (read her blog; it rocks!)

Life Interferes Again

Is blogging to yourself the same thing as talking to yourself? It makes me wonder sometimes. Anyway, I am back again. I know that all of my followers (ha ha) have missed me while I was gone. A little bit to catch up on what has been going on:

  • My darling daughter’s broken leg healed perfectly. She didn’t need any physical therapy or anything like that. Yay! I didn’t realize how expensive a broken leg is, though. We are still trying to get out of that hole. It is going well, though. 🙂
  • I never did finish Moby Dick. I decided that life was waaaaaay too short to read a book that bored me to tears.
  • I took a class about technology standards in education by the AZ Department of Education. It was lots of work but massive amounts of fun. Plus, I learned so much. I was complimented when the facilitator recommended me to facilitate one of the next waves of courses. Unfortunately, I was unable to apply for it. Too bad, though. It would have been fun!

    That is the catch up portion of today’s post. Now on to other things.

    Part of one of the classes that I am taking has to do with integrating blogging into my classroom. I think that it would be a really interesting thing to do, but I wonder if I would be able to keep up with it. I have to figure out a direction for this blog. I think that is one of the reasons why I have been deficient in posting.

    There are so many blogs that I have seen that I really, really like. I have discovered Neil Gaiman‘s blog and have thoroughly loved reading his words. Of course, I couldn’t read his blog without reading his lovely wife Amanda Palmer‘s blog. Who would have thought that one of my favorite living authors would marry one of my favorite punk cabaret musicians? Crazy awesome.

    The point is, every quality blog that I read seems to have a point to it. It’s not just a bunch random chattiness. So, my next goal is to find a focus. Ooh! Maybe my focus will be random chattiness. It might suit me perfectly.

    The Journey Begins

    I just had to be melodramatic for the title of my first post. I am hoping that this helps me to break the block that has kept me stuck for so long. I figure that the only way to get back to writing is to actually do it. No excuses. There are so many things that I want to write about. The ideas in my head that bubble around are pushing each other about.

    I would like to write some fiction. I think that I could write something for young adults that they would really like. The key is to have an idea that is unique and yet interesting. That is where my problem lies. I have read so many books that I really don’t know which ideas are mine and which ideas are other people’s. It is a little bit crazy!

    Someone suggested to me that I write about my life. I don’t think that is fodder for a good story. Perhaps that is just my insecurity talking. Maybe my life is infinitely more interesting than everyone else’s because of its utter normalcy. Maybe my life is normal only to me and to others it is astounding. Nah.

    Well, this is too weird. I feel like I am being completely self-centered in writing so much about myself. I guess that is what you are supposed to do when you blog. It’s going to take getting used to.